The 7 Phases to a Failing Relationship....When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong

Ahhhh.....a relationship! Someone to call your own, who you can love, trust and commit to....doesn't that sound wonderful? But I've always wondered, when you keep it real in a relationship, is it really over? In other words, why is it that when someone becomes a better person for themselves and for their significant other by "keeping it real," it usually ends up backfiring and eventually ending that relationship?

I can't speak for others, but through my experience in my last relationship of six years, and hearing some of my friends talk about their relationship experiences and how they tried to "keep it real," we all have failed miserably.

So can a person really clean their dirty laundry? The answer is yes, but not all of the stains come out. Some of them remain permanent.

For example, the last two or three years of my last relationship felt like working on an assembly line at Toyota. My significant other and I were constantly working on fixing and repairing old wounds from the past that still haunted us. So, just like that assembly line, we got tired of working and fixing the same things over and over again, but continued to do so for the sake of our family. So just like an assembly line worker would continue to work on line, no matter how tired they are of fixing things, they just think about and do it for that paycheck. The problems and issues became so overwhelming, that we agreed to mutually split.

I believe we didn't realize that there was so many things to repair that it was actually changing the people that we really were when we first met each other. I can honestly say that I was not the same person after years had went by, and neither was she. Therefore, keeping it real was out of the question because we both weren't being honest about how we felt about each other. 

Fast forward to now. I'm a different person than I was then and at a different place in my life right now, which is for the better. Lord knows I'm still trying to follow and take the proper steps to walk in his right path. But now that I am taking the proper steps and have grasped all aspects of man's role in a relationship, is it too late clear up the damage and start from scratch again? Some would say yes, and some would say "hell no." But is there really a true definitive answer for that?

In order to even come close to having an opinion of your own to that question, one would have to look back at all phases of their relationship:

The Honeymoon Phase

This phase usually lasts for about a year. If you're lucky, you may get two years. This is the phase where everything in your relationship is happening so fast that you merely have no control over it. You and the other person gel so good together that everything is damn near perfect. Instead of real arguments, you have "cute" lil' arguments in this stage and will not stay mad at each other throughout the day(s). And not to mention the sex! The sex is like anything that you've ever experienced before and as things in your relationship continue to move rapidly, you both fully commit to each other and label one another as "THE ONE."

Lets Play House Phase

It's very similar to the Honeymoon Phase where things continue to happen so quickly. Without an engagement ring, without a lifetime commitment, a couple decides it would be a good idea to move in together. This is like asking a person to marry them without even really asking....and they accept your offer. What a lot of us don't realize is that this phase is merely a trap, a set up for failure. No matter how much a couple loves each other, whether they have a baby together, etc., you cannot play house. I remember playing house as far back as elementary school and it was pretty fun, especially a lil' casanova like me having a "pretend" wife and "pretend children." But when recess or school was over, it was time to come back to reality and go home. The "Lets Play House" phase is very much that way as well. It's a lot of fun to play, but then you get tired and realize that you got in too deep too quick. And then you began to plot your next move on how to get out, or how to even stay and force it to make it work. This phase can last for however long the couple wants it to last.

The Disagreement Phase

We all agree to disagree at times. But this phase will eventually reveal a lot more about a person that you may never knew or thought of. The "cute" lil' arguments from the Honeymoon Phase are now over. Talking turns into yelling, yelling turns into fighting. A war of words are constantly being exchanged between you two, but you both still have a strong bond and connection, which keeps the relationship patched up and in tact.

The Separation Phase

This process can be when a couple has to live separately from each other until one person eventually reunites with their significant other and moves back in with them at a different location. This phase can also have some harsh results stemming from the disagreement phase where the arguing is becoming more constant. The disagreement phase causes the separation phase because the more arguments, fights and disagreements a couple has, the more distant they become of each other. And we all know what happens when one becomes distant, THE CHEATING.



The Cheating Phase

The Cheating Phase is like how food is to some people that are overweight; it's used a "cover-up" for comfort. If we cheat, flirt, or get the attention from another person that we aren't getting at home, we will continue to do so just to keep our sanity and a piece of mind when we are around our significant others.  Therefore, the cheating continues, and we just hope that we don't get caught. But trust me, and from plenty of experience, we all don't get caught in the act, but we definitely get caught....eventually, which leads us into the next phase, LACK OF COMMUNICATION.

Lack of Communication Phase

For some, this phase can come before the cheating phase. But we all know that with a lack of communication, there is no way of knowing what is going on with the other person. For instance, if things have dramatically changed in the bedroom (remember that honeymoon phase?), facial expressions not the same, conversations are shorter and different, it's time to be a little concerned. This is also the phase where you see a couple completely morph into different people. All of a sudden, you start to notice all the tools that you had at  the beginning phases are gone, or either fading away. What I'm trying to say is, you aren't the same person you used to be. You lose the trust, commitment, conversation, and last but not least, the love. And after the love is gone, what do you have left? Nothing. If not by now, the relationship is usually over, or hanging on by a thread.

Keeping it Real  Phase
So after you go through all of these phases, you decide to keep it real because you realize that during that separation phase, that's where things began to change. During that lack of communication phase, you now realize that maybe if you would have communicated more to each other, some of the mistakes that were made during the relationship wouldn't have happened. You think about all the phases that you went through, and then you ask yourself the ultimate question, "Should I keep it real and tell this person how I feel and what I realize and know now? Or is it too late and too much damage?"

Well....you won't know unless you confront yourself, which is our worst enemy. For some reason, we have the hardest time as individuals when it comes to confronting ourselves. We can talk about everybody else in the world when it comes to problems and issues, but why are we so scared to take the first step, confronting ourselves and dealing with our own issues first. Many times, a lot of women (or vice versa) will blame a man for their infidelity, or say, "Why would he go there when he already has everything at home?" In my opinion, that's the most ridiculous question in the world! The answer is: DUH! Because he didn't have everything at home! AND...like I said...vice versa! Has one ever thought to take responsibility for themselves and realize that maybe that person was cheating because of issues YOU still have within yourself that's affecting the relationship. And believe me, because of my infidelity, I have been through more phone checks, unlocking security codes to facebook and myspace pages being broken into. My significant other failed to confront herself with her own insecurity issues, and I failed to confront my own lack of communication skills with her to let her know I was unhappy. Otherwise, things might have went differently.

So after reading this: I'll end it with one of my favorite songs from the group Floetry called "Ms. Stress"....a perfect ending to a story, lol. Click the link below and enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a4yertGJiU